i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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