I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
