I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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