i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
