1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Can you bring me the toilet please
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize