Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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