I just pynch a tree in the face
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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