my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
