I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
