he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I booty called her while she was in labor.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
