Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You are the jesus of drinking
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
