I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
