Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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