My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Mom said you looked used
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
