Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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