Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
