i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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