Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
