Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
