did you get engaged???
another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize