this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
