Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
