I wish I could punch you in the face.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
