I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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