So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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