got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
