I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
