if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
