Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
