i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
