a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
