K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
