you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
