Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
