Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
