I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
