A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
