shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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