That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
