If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
