The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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