My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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