Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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