why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
