you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
