Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
