dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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