He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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