can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
the raccoons are back...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
