Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
