So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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