if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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