I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hippo gnu deer
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
