the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
