Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
