I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
